I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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