it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
