matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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