I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
