Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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