So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
