Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
