Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
