So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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