Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
