I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Ambien. No doubt about it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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