I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
