Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
