I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
