If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
