Say something about gay babies.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
