woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
