You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
