went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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