my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
