And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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