If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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