i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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