Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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