If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
