Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
