I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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