if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
In America we eat man semen.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
