the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
