what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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