Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
