I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I look better un-naked...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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