Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
