textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
