I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
