if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
