I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
bring money and cleavage
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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