Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
