Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
