so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The air taste purple.
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