you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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