remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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