I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
