i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
