Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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