Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
