i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
