I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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