People in love make me want to vomit
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
