Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
